Fed up with the Federal Reserve

Mood: cheeky
Now Playing: "Take the money and run" by the Steve Miller Band
Here's a tip: when wandering around Canal Walk in downtown Richmond, [Note to non-Richmonders: Canal Walk is a multi-million dollar boondoggle which draws two or three visitors an hour, five to 10 if I'm feeling generous - tops - on a good day. Another note: not a scientific survey, but merely a rough guesstimate], if you run across the Federal Reserve Bank, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ask smart-ass questions of a guard such as, "Is this where they keep all the money?" Also, REFRAIN, I repeat, REFRAIN, from referring to the Federal Reserve building using disparaging terms such as "dump," as they are quite possessive of their building - in fact, some even over-identify and suffer from the delusion that it belongs to them rather than the American people.

Comments like this will result in your getting harassed and abused by the Banana Republican Army of the Federal Reserve, which apparently is a law unto itself. "The Treasure of the Sierra Madres": "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges." Avoid frisking, profanity, and embarrassment, not mention having them upset your wife and children, by legal beagles who have seen way too many episodes of "NYPD Blue" and with bad hearing and a shakey grasp of reality. Keep your remarks to yourself, even if you are on public property and your right to ask questions and make observations is protected by the U.S. Constitution's Bill of Rights and eight freaks who wear black dresses (and I'm not talking about a classic DKNY little black dress or the sarong J. Edgar Hoover borrowed from Dorothy Lamour and never returned).

The Federal Reserve will get what they deserve. Maybe they will develop a thicker skin and/or a sense of humor, but I doubt it. Maybe Michael Moore will make a movie about this peculiar institution. Meanwhile, Mr. Outside of the crack Tres Riches Heures staff is subject to immediate arrest if he ever sets foot on Federal Reserve property along with other legendary figures such as John Dillinger, Willie Sutton, and Osama bin Laden. Does this mean our anti-hero has no chance of getting on Alan Greenspan and Andrea Mitchell's Christmas card list? (List, list, we don't need no stinking list.) And if Andrea Mitchell were a dog, what kind of dog would she be? I'm thinking bassett hound, because of all that drooping goin' on, doncha know.

Alas, Federal Reserve deputy dawgs declined to delineate exactly where Federal Reserve property is, which makes things dicey for Mr. Outside, who might inadvertently wind up inside, if you catch my drift. But Mr. Outside is used to such risky, frisky business and soldiers on, to the City Hall assessor's office on the eighth floor where he will learn exactly what is Federal Reserve property, at a cost of $2.00 per detailed map. It also makes him even more determined to rent a post office box at the U.S. Federal building on Marshall Street, where his junk mail will receive the best protection (outsourced, of course) U.S. taxpayer money can buy.