Who I'm a feudin' with

My ongoing feuds are with Air America (get off the list by firing Little Janeane Garafalo and hiring Big Eddie Schultz), The Nation magazine (get off the list by firing Katrina vanden Heuvel and Eric Alterman), Plan 9, the Third Street Diner, the Ukrops Boys, Atlantic Beacon, Cavalier Telephone, Comcast, Wachovia, Target, Airborne/DHL, GameSpot, The Washington Post Company, the city of Richmond VA, the Richmond Police Department, the Richmond Sheriff's Department, Richmond Public Library, GRTC, the county of Henrico, the Henrico Police Department, the state of Virginia, the Virginia State Police, the Confederate States of America, the United States of America, USPS, the Federal Reserve Bank, Social Security, the US Postal Inspector, the FBI, the Secret Service (if they're secret, why are they listed in the phone book?), and 5100 Monument Avenue, a condominium.

One of the mysteries of life is why a building called "Little Jerusalem" by one of its employees uses a company called Thyssen Krupp to work on its elevators. Company profile: Thyssen's role in the rise and operation of the Nazi killing machine From www.theawfultruth.com: KRUPP - Makers of washing machines, coffee makers, and the Nazi gas chambers. Krupp used over 70,000 people as slave labor in factories making armaments for the Nazis. It even operated a plant inside the infamous Auschwitz concentration camp which manufactured fuses, and another at the Ravensbreuck camp.

Quotes from the war crimes tribunal transcripts: "The Krupp family contributed from the treasury of the main Krupp company 4,738,446 marks to the Nazi Party fund." "Once the war was on, Krupps, both Von Bohlen and Alfried being directly responsible therefor, led German industry in violating treaties and international law by employing enslaved laborers, impressed and imported from nearly every country occupied by Germany, and by compelling prisoners of war to make arms and munitions for use against their own countries. There is ample evidence that in Krupp's custody and service they were underfed and overworked, misused, and inhumanly treated. Captured records show that in September 1944 Krupp concerns were working 54,990 foreign workers and 18,902 prisoners of war." The children were housed in "sort of prison bunks... The children there were quite naked... Many of them had swollen heads... These children were so undernourished... Fifty or sixty children died every day, and as many were born every day, because there was an influx of eastern female workers with children... The children were cremated inside the camp...."

I guess "never again" really means "never again - unless it's inconvenient," which may explain the Simon Wiesenthal Center's whitewash of Arnold Schwarzenegger and his father. Also on my s-list: Henry "Skinwalker" Kissinger. "Dr. Strangelove" is wanted for crimes against humanity, so many that Christopher Hitchens wrote a whole book about them, "The Trial of Henry Kissinger." I would like Henry to receive a fair, open, and legal trial, and then be hanged by the neck until dead, dead, dead.

Other feuds: Tower Records, Federal Realty Trust, the state of Israel, the Richmond Jewish community (get off the list by apologizing publicly for the shameful actions of one of its members). Y'all better hurry up, because the demands will escalate. Next, I'm going to ask that a temple or synagogue or shetl or whatever you call those places of worship be named after me. Next, I'm going to ask for a harem of beautiful blonde Richmond Jewish women named Sarah (there's a factory somewhere that turns them out.) Then I'm going to demand a pound of flesh from Dennis Prager (he's got plenty to spare.) Internationally, I'm feuding with Muslim authoritarian and theocratic regimes, the People's Republics of China, North Korea, and Cuba, Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar, and I'm sure I'll think of some more later. Past feuds: the Village restaurant, ex-Commonwealth's Attorney Joe Morrissey, Chetti's Clams, the Red Light Inn, the Playboy advisor, ex-Richmond Police Chief Jerry Oliver, and Tower Books in Richmond. Feuds start when you piss me off and end when I'm dead or I piss on your grave (metaphorically speaking, of course). Sounds grandiose, if not a tad vindictive, but there it is. If you aim for the stars, you may wind up in the gutter, which is my deepest aspiration and fondest hope.