Let me introduce you to my redneck friends

When will I be married, when will I be wed?
- Irish folk song

My imaginary fiancee, Janeane Garofalo, has asked me to prepare a list of guests I'd like to invite to our imaginary wedding. I hope Ms. Garofalo gets her balls and her money out of her purse and throws a big-ass wedding, even though she was married before. In fact, she's still married - what's up with that? (Please direct any complaints about lame, out-of-date, alcohol-related humor to mediastupor AT budweiser.com.) Granted, being a co-conspirator in a Las Vegas spur-of-the-moment mash-up is something you'd want to postpone dealing with. After all, who wants to admit that they didn't have any more common sense than Britney Spears?

In any case, here is my list so far (I may think of others):

Robin O. Metz, writer, distinguished professor, Knox College, Galesburg, Il.
Russell Grieger, distinguished psychologist and marriage counselor, co-author of the Handbook of Rational-Emotive Therapy along with Albert Ellis, Charlottesville, VA
Richard Freeman, distinguished pornographer, writes for Playboy and Playboy.com, publishes newsletter about the $8 billion-a-year porno industry, Fairborne, OH
Fred Argoff, NYC subway conductor, real estate investor, and publisher, Brooklyn, NY.
Robert Shih, environmental consultant, Taiwan.
Bo, whose last name escapes me at the moment, real estate investments and trailer manufacturer, Charlottesville, Va.
Kimberly Rorrer Separ, director of development and community relations, VCU libraries, Richmond, Va.
Cristina M. Rebil, attorney (licensed to practice in Califonnia only), Legal Aid Justice Center, Richmond, Va.
Michelle Williams, deputy commonwealth's attorney, first woman candidate for Richmond Commonwealth's Attorney, Richmond, VA.
Lacy G. Keith, vice president, senior personal banker, Richmond Center, Bank of America.
Jamey Haremza, general manager, Einstein Brothers Bagels, Richmond, VA.
Don Dransfeld and Co., jeweler to the stars - well, one of them, anyway, Richmond, Va.
Chip Wellde, investment banker, Goldman Sachs, NYC.
Isobel Swift, my sister's best friend at Madeira and editor, Silhouette Books, NYC.
Assorted postal clerks, VCU Cabell and Richmond public librarians, representatives from the Richmond Outreach Center, Food Not Bombs, Pennies for Heaven, the Daily Planet, the manager of the Krispy Kreme on West Broad Street, and the owner of the Hip Cup Cafe on Park Row, Chinatown, NYC (a native of Virginia), to be named at a later date.

Media
Ellen Qualls, press secretary to Governor Mark Warner of Virginia and a major babe - hubba, hubba. She asked me for an interview when she worked as the capitol correspondent for Roanoke TV station and I turned her down. Gotta make it up to her somehow.
Gail Nardi, Democratic communications consultant, heavy contributor of in-kind services to Doug Wilder's campaign for mayor. When I worked for her, she was the news director of a Harrisonburg radio station.
Anderson Cooper, CNN anchor
Juju Chang is a New York-based correspondent who contributes to ABC News' "20/20." From 1999-2000 she anchored the early morning newscasts of "World News Now" along with Anderson Cooper and "World News This Morning." Another major news babe.
Elizabeth Vargas, ABC News. I have no connection whatsoever with her. I just want to nail, er, meet her.
Cheryl Miller, Channel 6 news anchor. Yet another major news babe. Once told her she was "an ignorant slut." Gotta make it up to her somehow.
Mollie Ivins, syndicated columnist and the Emma Goldman of American liberalism (this is not to imply that Mollie has tried to get anyone killed, although there are rumors she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die), Austin, Texas.
Big Eddie Schultz, syndicated talk show host, Fargo, North Dakota.
Jim Naureckas, FAIR, NYC.
Paul Gigot, The Wall Street Journal, NYC.

New York Times
Gail Collins, editorial page editor of The New York Times.
Thomas Friedman, columnist, best-selling author, expert on the Middle East, and multinationalism and multiculturalism.
Maureen Dowd, columnist
David Brooks, columnist
John Tierney, columnist
William Safire, columnist
Kathie Wellde, former secretary to William Safire and owner of "Speakers of the Times," and children.

Family
The Andersons (aunt) of New Jersey
The Berrymans (aunt) of Arizona
The John Martins (uncle) of Northern Virginia
Barbara and Alice Martin (cousins) of Virginia
Hilary Martin (sister) and family
Kay (aunt) and Nelson Britto, and family

Homeless, poor, working poor
Mark, Richard, Harry, Mike, Marvin, Michael Wayne, no fixed addresses, and Eddie Barnes of Queens, NY. Mark is convinced I'm stalking JG and there's probably a restraining order on my ass in New York. Of course, Mark has been in prison and is therefore somewhat of a pessimist. "Show me one letter from her," he says. I like a man who's firmly grounded in reality. But Mark, that's why Janeane Garofalo is my imaginary fiancee and you've been invited to an imaginary wedding.

Mark has bet $200 that Janeane won't get her balls and money out of her purse and pay a "surprise visit" to me in Richmond. That pays for one night at the Berkeley Hotel. He's bet another $200 (a wedding gift) that Garofalo and I won't get married. For some reason, he won't bet another $200 on whether JG will appear totally nude in a pictorial for Playboy. He also says he's sick and tired of me talking about her and and wants her to know that she really does look like Jerry Seinfeld. Mark is in a position to say that since he's on Social Security disability and consequently has had the time to watch every episode of "Seinfeld" repeatedly.

My plan is to charter a bus from James River Bus Lines and fill it with "invisible men" to bulk up my side of the church since so many of my friends and family have pissed me off. Ms. Garofalo wants me to invite only my "true friends" from the homeless population, i.e. those that will pay their own way (as I've said before, she's a cheap biatch), as if those are any more prevalent in NYC and LA entertainment circles. The prospect of turning members of Richmond's underclass loose on NYC and LA limousine liberals and the media elite fills Ms. Garofalo with mock dread and secret anticipation. If you had friends like hers, you'd understand this ambivalent attitude.

There's Eric Alterman, an irritating, supercilious know-it-all - at least Bullwinkle's "Mr. Know-It-All" was funny. Sam "No Respect" Seder, JG's sidekick, is obsessed with Social Security and Tom DeLay, surefire MEGO producers at a wedding. Katrina vanden Heuvel is a name-dropper who should get the stick up her butt surgically removed. Her husband, Stephen Cohen is a monumental, crashing bore, once the Eeyore of Sovietology, who will have guests jumping out windows to escape his droning presence if allowed to roam free. He gives Al Gore or Ben Stein a run for his money. I'm thinking about slipping a $20 to Mark's 40-ounce crew to depants him, give him an atomic wedgie, hogtie him, gag him, and stuff him in a closet.