I'm looking for a wife

Who can find a good woman?
She is precious beyond all things.
Her husband's heart trusts her completely.
She is his best reward.
Proverbs 31:10-11

I want to get married and raise a family. Here are the qualities in a wife that I'm looking for.

1. 18-30 years old. Attractive to beautiful. No glasses. Sense of humor. Hardbodies or voluptuous preferred. No anorexics, bulimics, or fatties.

2. No druggies, alkies, or smokers.

3. No baggage like first husbands, pets, or children. I have allergies and don't want any more junk in the air than possible. I don't want to be your second husband and I don't want to hear comparisons to the first. I don't want your 35-year-old son asking whether I'm boinking his mom yet.

4. No bigots or religious fanatics.

5. Must have manners. No potty mouths.

6. Must be willing to support me in the extravagant lifestyle to which I have become accustomed.

7. Cooking, cleaning, and laundry skills a must.

8. Must be available upon whim, if you catch my drift. You're responsible for your own orgasms. Get on top, rub your clit, and fantasize. That usually works.

9. No sociopaths or psychos. No contrarians, controversialists, adventurists, agent provocateurs, snitches, hysterics, or drama queens.

10. I'm willing to chase you, but you must be willing to be caught. Women who prefer being chased to being caught should keep running.

11. No gun owners.

12. Assertive. I prefer direct communication to hints. I've told you what I want and you tell me what you want. Let's make a deal.

13. Must be fertile, wants to have children, size negotiable. Careerist while I'm Mr. Mom,stay-at-home mother, or both? It's up to you.

14. Mentally tough and strong.

15. Backs me up all the way, as I will her, and tells me when I'm wrong. Must be willing to post bail. Stuff happens. Us against the world if necessary, by all means necessary.

16. No prudes or freaks.

17. Military welcome, as they are attracted to me, but leave your guns in town, or at the base.

18. Must be able to handle the finances in the family business.

19. Wants to be a renaissance woman, is in the process of becoming one, or is one.

20. Able to handle entertaining and host a salon.

21. Give me a study or office in which to be a slob, and the rest of the place is yours. I don't care about decor as long as it's not kitsch.

22. I want a wife who is sweet and kind to me. I get enough garbage from the world as it is. As Craig Kilborne used to say, check your negativity at the door.

23. I want a wife who has a hard-headed, common sense approach to child-rearing that works. My sister has degrees from Madeira, UVA (accepted at Harvard), the Culinary Institute of America, and an MLS from UC Berkeley and she still managed to raise two socially-dysfunctional sons who don't have a clue about how the world works. I want a mother who doesn't impose her children on other people and teaches them manners and common courtesy.

24. I want a wife who knows what she wants. If you don't know what you want, I can't work with you.If you want a vacation home on the Outer Banks, I can work with you. If you want a 1963 Corvette Stingray, I can work with you. I can help you get what you want and you can help me get what I want. It's called collaboration. It's called marriage. Stupid/silly answers like, "I want to be happy," "I just want to do God's will," "I want to retire," "I want to lie on the beach," "I want world peace," "I want to travel," "I want to be rich," "I want to be happy," and "I want to die" are automatic disqualifiers. What do you want to create, what do you want to accomplish, what sort of life do you want to have? If it's different than what you see here on this page, move on. If we aren't working from the same page, i.e. this one, it won't work.

25. No STDs, including oral herpes.

26. There's a fine line between self-decoration and self-mutilation. Unfortunately, I'm the one who gets to decide where that line is, not you. No excessive tattoos. No piercings except ears.

27. I don't like sports. I don't like to fly. Something to think about if you do.

28. You may have heard of eff-you money and eff-you hats. You must be able to tolerate the occasional outbreak of my eff-you mustache (about every four years) which is cheaper, less painful, and easier to remove than having the words tattooed on my forehead. It's just my idiosyncratic way of responding when people start throwing elbows and getting in my face. In other words, if you make me uncomfortable, I will make you uncomfortable. It's called pushback. Translation: stop playing games and back off. Stop poking me to find out if I'm dangerous. Stop testing me when you already know the answer. You talkin' to me (just kidding. Really.)

29. Must be willing to live in Richmond, VA.

30. Must be willing to be my photographic model.